Here, what is here? Where am I even at? Where do I want to be? Do I even need to be anywhere? I made the decision to postpone my Appalachian Trail Thru-hike in order to be present during some major events happening with my family in 2019. This seemed like a good plan at the time, and my employer helped to sweeten the deal. “What’s one more year?”, I asked myself. After all, it’s just time, and I’m excited about the family transitions this year. The wait is just adding one more chapter to the story of a fulfilled and free life. Then, the anchor of time drops…
I don’t need to have all of the pages written before the journey even begins. So, why do feel like I do? Why does my story have to be a detailed trail map guiding me to the end? Who even wants to reach the end? Thoughts of the A.T, P.C.T., C.D.T., road trips, mountain life; My dreams have become limitless, yet all of these possibilities cloud me, confuse me. Is it a to-do list, or just wishes & dreams? These desires are so vividly alive that they become overwhelming, blocking my creativity, and ultimately, stifling my growth for this opportunity to slow down and love, laugh, and just live for today.
I’ve become stuck and lost again all at the same time, waiting on time to pass…How will the next chapter of my life look and why do I need to know now? The wishing of time to pass for these days to get on the path to living out my dreams, I know is not how I want to be. I know that I shouldn’t rush through my life, looking past the present, just to rush into the future. I think I know what I need to do to become unstuck, so why am I not doing it? Why am I so overwhelmed and so confused? Meltdown in 10, 9, 8…..
Then, “SMACK”, it hits me square in the face, holy shit, I’m in the middle of a midlife crisis, seeking to find my purpose. Calm down, it’s not what you think, I don’t want to buy a sports car, I don’t want to leave my wife or have an affair. I just want to hike the A.T. for six months and release all that’s blocking my new growth. I don’t consider this a crisis. The word crisis implies negativity. I prefer calling it a midlife enriching moment, and acknowledging it is the first step to understanding how to navigate and grow from it. Tick-tock, tick-tock…Be_again.